3.5 weeks to go

Monday:  We do what we should have done at the weekend when I was busy being a canoeing hen… and that means pressure cleaning the patio, steps and brick paths.  MUCKY JOB OR WHAT?  Yes, I know I’ve said that before, but it really is quite disgusting…

On Tuesday we go to the local designer outlet centre to find Guy a shirt for the wedding – and find three!  I love shopping with Guy – he finds it, tries it and buys it – none of that ‘let’s just look in the other shop’ business..  It’s the night of the England v Sweden game so the shops are really empty.  After the shops we go to the vineyard in Cowbridge and collect our wedding champagne!  We also try a white and a rosé which are delicious so we buy some of those too - we pack it all into my little Smart and it fits beautifully!

On Wednesday we go shopping again – to the supermarkets for ‘provisions’.  This is stuff for the big party on the Saturday that we can buy in advance – juice, pop, plonk, beer, lager, crisps, olives, peanuts, all that sort of stuff as well as the really exciting bits - loo roll, washing up liquid, kitchen towel, bin liners, cling film….  We feel Very Organised and my sitting room feels Very Full.

I also make Bridal Bear.  Not for me, but to chuck instead of a bouquet – I’m making my own bouquet and I am NOT chucking it away!  So I will throw Bridal Bear instead.

On Thursday we make four more quiches - two pepperoni and two bacon/egg/tomato. We're now getting organised at this and so we have time to sit and discuss the hiring of tables and chairs while the first two are cooking...

On Friday I go to the Registry Office in Cardiff to pay for the Registrar and give them details of the vows we'll be saying and what readings we want.  Except that we're not having any readings because we couldn't think of anything applicable other than an excerpt from the Endless Pools Handbook....   I pay the money and wait for a receipt.  Then the door opens and somebody says 'can we have a word?' swiftly followed as I go in to the office by 'there seems to be a problem'.  A zillion things rush through my head - is Guy married already?  An illegal immigrant?  Am I still married?  Are we too old?  Too ugly?  The lady explains that, according to their diary, our wedding ceremony has been CANCELLED by Castell Coch. WHAT?? ARE YOU KIDDING?? Apparently not... she says that she has been trying to phone them to find out what's going on but they won't answer...  She tries again while I stand with my mouth open, stunned. She gets through this time and they disappear to find their diary. After what seems like an eternity they come back - we're still in the book for 21st July, all ok.  Phew.  The registry office staff think that they must have had a cancellation for 21st July 2007 and put it in the wrong diary.  Oh well, that's ok then.  I'm sure my heart will start beating regularly again soon...

On Saturday we re-stain the boards for the chequerboard in the garden –there will, as at previous parties, be games in the garden on the Saturday night party.  We also mow the grass, re-seed some bald bits (over enthusiastic weed killing!) and blow rubbish off all the gravel.  We test the lights for the lane and measure the lane and also find time to visit the local fete where Blunkett should have entered ‘Most Beautiful Bitch’ but she refused point blank to go into the ring… Guy won a coconut and I fell off the bucking bull – I’d always wanted to have a go on one of those as I thought it would be easy after all my years of riding – I lasted 1 ½ minutes, strained all sorts of muscles and twisted my knee.  Shan’t be trying that in a hurry again then…

On Sunday we put the chequerboard back together – in the winter we lift the decking boards and it’s a bonfire site, and in the summer it goes back to being a chequerboard.

We also make four more quiches (butternut squash and pinenut) and make little icing bits for around the base of the wedding cake – there’s a black dog, two cats, power tools, instruments and plants…  we figure that about sums us up!  We reward our hard work by sitting down to watch England in the World Cup… and fall asleep.  Seems they won without our help though!

Weight: Not bothered!  Still haven’t worked on upholstering The Frock as the evenings were a bit packed, but maybe this week…

Bruises: The two cattle prod ones on my back are fading nicely!  Whole new bunch of scratches and bruises from re-doing the chequerboard.

Hair:   I actually like this two-tone hair.  How sad is that?  And how appalled will Toni & Guy be if I say I want to keep it two-tone?  Although it would look a lot better if the highlights didn’t start an inch away from my scalp…

Roses:  Commonwealth First is flowering too!  Beautiful flower, though I would dispute the ‘peach’ description.  Distinctly pink, frankly.  But the good news is that this one does have a lovely scent.  Not hugely strong, but if I keep my nose stuffed in my bouquet I should get the odd whiff…  However, the flower is HUGE and more like a cabbage.  Might have to be a larger bouquet then…

Unbridal moment of the week: At the risk of repeating myself – it’s the pressure cleaning.  Again.  Although covering my arms in ebony woodstain was a pretty good runner up…

Plan:  The Grand Plan is working well: On Monday this week we will see Debbie who is helping with the food who we should have seen last Wednesday but it got moved then on Tuesday I’ll be doing the things I would have done on Monday if we weren’t seeing Debbie and Guy has a practice and on Wednesday we would have made quiches but we did them today so we’re going to the cinema instead then on Thursday we’re seeing Caroline at a big wholesalers which should have been Wednesday but she got an invitation to a party.  Like I say, it’s working well…

4.5 weeks to go

On Tuesday I play with the heart shaped thing which will go on the outside loo door – in the past it’s been called a Pottering Shed but this time it’s going to be the ‘Honeymoon Suite’.  The heart has white fluffy stuff around the edge and looks really, er, weddingy.

On Thursday Guy comes round and we start on the quiches.  In our Grand Plan we’ve decided that we need to make four quiches on each Thursday until almost on top of the wedding and that will be enough.

This time we make two Three Cheese quiches, and two Tomato and Pepper.  We always have more veggie quiches as we seem to know a lot of vegetarians!

On Saturday Sarah and Vincent arrive for HP3 and Guy zooms off to collect his suit from the tailor.  Jo, Karen and Anna arrive too, and we’re all set.  Anna has brought goodie bags for each of us with sweeties, lip gloss, hand cream, water, half bottle of champagne each and a straw – and water pistols!  Mine also has a flower garland and a PINK garter…

Steve the taxi arrives and drives us in style to the canoe place, then we walk along the river bank to a field for our picnic.  And, boy, what a picnic!   The idea is that we’ve each brought something to share.  Except we’re all bought LOTS of somethings to share – it’s a fantastic spread including potato salad, chicken, ham, avocados, olives, strawberries, stilton, tomatoes, two kinds of bread, humus, mozarella, couscous, two kinds of pecan pie, blueberries, crisps, gin and tonic in a tin (thanks, Jo!) and Anna’s champagne…

I try different ways of wearing my garland…

Note the garter round the neck by the time I acquire the hat – it’s the ‘call girl’ look…

After all that food we’re ready for action.  Or not… the weather is absolutely stunning, the field is comfortable and we could just stretch out and have a snooze…

However, once we’ve filled up the water pistols and tried them on Anna for target practice, we’re ready to CANOE!

We leave most of the rest of our picnic (we’ve hardly made a dent in it) in the office, we’re kitted out with lifejackets and taken in a minibus up the river so that we can paddle back down again.  We carry the canoes to the river, climb in and then we’re off!  Jo and Sarah B have one canoe, and Anna, Karen and me are in the other – neither Jo nor I have done this before, so we decide it’s sensible to have one beginner in each canoe…  It’s FAB!  We have been told how to paddle, and how to steer and we get the hang of it quite quickly.  And we’re at least going in the right direction.

Here’s one of Sarah B and Jo paddling like fury.  Probably to escape our water pistols…

Karen, me and Anna in action.

There are frequent water pistol fights – our canoe has the advantage here as I’m in charge of refilling…  And, yes, we do collide with each other rather a lot…






Refilling:

And…. FIRE!

About half way down the river we’re aiming at a landing point and, whilst Jo and Sarah B elegantly negotiate round the flora in the middle of the river, Karen, Anna and I head straight through it.  We end up stranded, but it’s shallow, so we punt our way out.

What we haven’t realised is that the landing point takes you up a steep hill to a grassy area that is, basically, a grandstand…. So we sit and watch other people messing it up too...

The weather is absolutely brilliant – the water pistols are fantastic - being soaked is really refreshing.  Although Jo, who got the wettest, might not agree!

Apart from the glorious river, we see ducklings and dragonflies, buzzards and swans…. And magical scenery.  HUGE thanks to Anna for organising such a brilliant day out!

When we get home there’s just enough time for…. Another picnic!

Weight: I don’t care!  I’m slim and feel really well – that’ll do for me.  However, I do need to work on the scaffolding for under the frock to help fill it out a bit…

Bruises: Two corkers on my back from a bit on the canoe that rubbed.  Looks like I was struck with a cattle prod.  Which I wasn’t.

Hair:  Everyone says it looks fine, and it’s certainly thicker.  Horrible colour, but that will change on July 6th when I get it re-coloured by new salon who (hopefully) know what they’re doing.

Nails:  All that canoeing, and they’re all Still Intact!!  Woo Hoo!

Roses:  I’ve got a ROSE!  Well, two to be precise.  Glamis Castle (the one with ex-black spot and a chemical habit) has produced two stunning flowers this week.  And the scent?  Aaah, the scent.  Actually, not ‘aaah’ at all as there is Absolutely No Smell Whatsoever.  Zilch.  Which is a shame as that was The Whole Point of planting them…  Two very nearly roses on one of the others, so hopefully better smells by next week!

And finally, just to show what a fab time we had, and the fact that we all spent the day grinning, here’s the crowd:

Sarah B:

Jo:

Anna:

Karen:

And the very happy hen:

5.5 weeks to go

On Tuesday I decide to really test drive the Eyessential by wearing it to work for the day.  I follow the instructions and put it on clean, unmoisturised skin - it sets like concrete!  It certainly clears wrinkles, but then so would wallpaper paste…  Weird stuff, and my face feels really tight, but when I smile the wrinkles all reappear!  After 10 minutes it feels so weird I give in and take it off.  I guess that’s the end of that, then!

We finish the MDF ‘me’ by painting, varnishing and gluing.  It’s FAB!  One teensy snag – when I put ‘me’ next to ‘Guy’ I find I’ve used different paint colours for the skin and, whilst I am a pleasant slightly tanned flesh colour, ‘Guy’ now looks positively jaundiced

On Friday I get my bunting back from the Parish Hall Committee.  It’s all absolutely fine, completely clean and folded up neatly.  Phew.  They have a summer fete on 24th June, and I have to really bite my tongue so that I don’t say ‘why don’t you borrow it for that too?’

At the weekend Guy has a wedding gig near Cardigan and the client has offered us a cottage for the night – a weekend away!  Just to prove that we’re communicating like a proper married couple, he didn’t tell me the date (or I wasn’t listening), and I’ve arranged HP2 with my old flatmates (no, we’re not ‘old’ – how about ‘college’ flatmates instead?) in Bath.  I meet Jane, Heather and Ruth off their train and we go to Sally Lunn’s for coffee (ok, water in my case) and then to a fab restaurant called Fishworks for lunch – we sit on decking at the back under cooling awnings on what is probably the hottest day of the year so far – it’s beautiful, and we could be in the Mediterranean!

We have pink champagne and the girls buy me lunch – reminds me what lovely friends I have.  Heather, who flies the world with British Airways, has bought me a beautiful pearl encrusted compact for my wedding day – it is absolutely beautiful, and goes with The Frock perfectly!

After lunch we hit the shops – Heather even does Christmas shopping while I buy Guy a mug that looks like a Penguin paperback reproduction entitled ‘The Pursuit of Love’.  Somehow it seems more suitable than Murder At The Vicarage…  We ask some poor unsuspecting passer by to take our photo – from left to right it’s Ruth, me, Heather and Jane…

It’s a totally brilliant day, but goes all too quickly and the girls head off for their train and I start my drive - the roads are empty because of the football, so I belt down the motorway with my new Rolling Stones CD turned up full volume…

I find the wedding where the band are playing and it’s lovely – a beautiful house in rolling Pembrokeshire countryside, and they’ve done all the food themselves – so we have a good look and pinch a few of their ideas.  Fantastically relaxed wedding and everyone having a really good time – we hope ours is as much fun for everyone!

On Sunday we stop off at the National Botanic Garden of Wales for lunch, and a spot of planning.

We write down all the jobs that we have to do, and all the days we have left, and then stick jobs against days.  Feel VERY organised afterwards…

We also decide that our guesstimate of 200 guests for the party is probably way too high, so we try our hardest to really estimate the number.  After much finger counting and memory searching we end up with far fewer.  193.  Yep, all that work and our ‘about 200’ guess is spot on.  Hey ho.

When we get home we make road signs to tell people where to park, and stencil little labels so we can let our guests know what’s in the food….  We cross two things off the ‘To Do’ list!!

Weight: I’ve LOST two pounds.  And I’ve been really, really trying to put weight on.   The good news is that I feel healthier than I have done in months, so I figure my body has settled at its natural weight, and I’ll just have to stick padding in the frock.  Will end up shaped like a Barbie doll.  And none of it will be real….

Bruises: Cracking one on my ankle.  Hosepipe (from watering garden) flicked round and clobbered me.  Don’t you just love hosepipes?

Hair:   On Saturday the girls said my hair looked fine, but it’s VERY two tone and with a weird dark root ‘halo’.  The good news is that it is really growing now…  Have never heard from the ex-hairdresser’s insurers.  I don’t think she told them…

Nails:  Beautiful but dangerously long.  I’m going to file them all down shorter so that I don’t break them – I don’t trust myself not to smash a couple!  I think it’s the buffing that’s making them so strong.

Roses:  They’re growing!  I have LOTS of buds and may have a rose by next week.  The one with black spot (which was sulking) is now growing faster than the others.  Obviously a chemical junkie…  And Desert Island has greenfly so is also going to become hooked on chemicals.

Wrinkles: Eyessential will soon appear on Ebay!

Tan line: Mostly I’ve kept out of the sun to avoid getting a worse tan line across my back, but on Friday I did hurtle home from work and throw myself front down on a lounger to make it a bit browner.  Izzy thought the lounger was an excellent idea and cuddled up next to me.  Very cute, but a bit HOT!

Unbridal moment of the week:  Cleaning my feet in the washbasin at Magor services en route from Bath to Cardigan.  Washing them was ok, but drying them on the roller towel presented somewhat more of a challenge.

Plan for the week: Plan for the week?  We’ve now got plans for EVERY week from here to the wedding!  And of course it will all go to plan…

6.5 weeks to go

Surprisingly unweddingy start to the week but busy as mum had a birthday and Guy had a birthday…  The only thing we do is to pot up the painted pots with busy lizzies – they’re going to be great if the slugs don’t get them first.

I go to M&S and buy T shirts for HP3 (Hen Party 3) which is in a few weeks time and involves canoes.  HP2 is next week in Bath, and HP1 is Friday of this week.  Alex from work is also getting married, a month before us, so she and I have a joint hen party in a restaurant in town on the STRICT proviso that no L plates, veils or fluffy pink handcuffs make an appearance!  There are 18 of us from the office which is lovely… everyone looks very glam!  We have an excellent meal and Pam, one of the secretaries in my office, sprinkles confetti in Alex’s hair, and in mine too – Alex’s looks really cute in her curly hair, and mine sits in a lump on my parting….

Guy is playing in town on the same night, so I walk across town to find the gig – it’s above a very swanky clothes shop and, in fact, it’s INSIDE the very swanky clothes shop.  You know the sort of place – white walls, clothes sparsely arranged  and the decimal points in the wrong places on the prices!

On Saturday morning we whiz up to Treorchy to see the tailor who has almost finished Guy’s wedding outfit – it’s FAB!  The waistcoat with the sari shop silk is fabulous, and the jacket fits beautifully…. Trousis need adjusting as they are a bit on the snug side…  Maybe Guy is putting on weight as I’m losing it!

Then we hurtle home as Gareth and Nic are coming to lunch – Gareth is a buddy who does printing, so he’s going to print the HP3 T shirts for us, and also put ‘Just Married’ graphics on my Smart when we’re getting married…. We’ve given him a pretty free rein with what he does - I just hope we like it…!  It’s a beautiful day so after lunch we play croquet on the grass (which is a bit too long to be called a lawn)….  Well, if it’s good enough for John Prescott….

The only trouble is that because it’s so warm and sunny I am wearing a vest top thingy and by the evening I find I have half a brown back and half a paler back.  And the join is smack in the middle of where my low back dress is going to go.  Mmm, nice look!  On Sunday I wear a halterneck bikini top and tell Guy that I don’t want a white stripe on my FRONT….  He now believes (because I’ve told him) that my wedding outfit is red, spotty, not a dress and low cut at the front.  Tee Hee!

On Sunday we cut me out in MDF and paint me.  I am in bits, so can be arranged with my wellies over my head.  Which is interesting, and makes me look like a contortionist.

We wash the gate where the cartoons are going to hang, and half the flaking paint falls off, so we end up sanding it down and undercoating it….

We also saw down a fallen tree in the wood and then chain saw it into new draughts for the chequer board in the garden for the party and then we actually sit in the garden in the sunshine – first time we’ve stopped for ages, and it’s utter bliss!  Makes me realise that all this rushing around isn’t really what’s important – it’s really just Me And Guy on the day.  And 17 guests.  And then 200 the next night…

Weight: I’ve no idea!  I’ve discovered, since ‘the copper incident’ that I simply can’t drink alcohol, so all those gin induced empty calories are a non-starter…  Have decided to leave dress till about 2 weeks before the wedding and then see what the fit is like!  Hopefully the drink thing is temporary…

Nails:  Completely smashed right thumb nail!  I suppose with all the jig sawing and chain sawing and gardening it was inevitable.  However, it is a bit galling that actually I did it on a tupperware container….

Roses:  Desert Island and Commonwealth Gold are coming along very nicely, but Glamis Castle has got black spot!  I’ve launched serious chemical warfare and it’s improving daily.  Phew.

Bruises: Loads of bruises on legs, and a cracking set of scratches too.  This is what comes of tying your handsaw to your shorts belt in order to carry large tree trunks.  It cuts neat little grooves into your leg….  Interesting!

Wrinkles: Eyessential has arrived!  Weird stuff… we tried it on one of the chaps at work (only one eye) and it definitely smooths the skin.  Feels really weird though because it sets tight like concrete, so I need to try it out properly one day and see if I still feel like me!  It may yet appear on Ebay…

Unbridal moment of the week:  Sitting in a bikini cleaning the chain saw.  Probably not quite so unladylike as being able to strip a machine gun, but it comes close…

Snag of the week:  Discovering that the new building work at the bottom of the lane means the lane is going to be dug up.  That’s where my gas, electric, water and sewage pipes are.  Have to speak to foreman to make sure all of the above are working for 21st July.  And that the lane is NOT dug up at that time otherwise I have visions of 200 guests falling into trenches…

7.5 weeks to go

I blow me up.  As in increasing the size of my cartoon….  This is fun, and dead easy on the photocopier at work.  When I did Guy’s cartoon lifesize for his birthday I had to do it on the computer and it crashed eight times….   If it ever stops raining we’ll be able to cut me out in MDF and then start painting, although I have no idea what colour my hair is going to be…

I put the new cut out Sarah next to the already completed Guy and they look really good together.  But I have to take ‘Guy’  back to the kitchen as his eyes rather spookily follow me round the sitting room….

I have a great new routine in the mornings to help my hair recover.  I sling my breakfast (bacon and tomatoes) in the Aga, go for a swim (350 strokes providing I’ve put the ‘cool shelf’ in to slow breakfast down, 200 if not), then rinse the chemicals out of my hair under the OUTSIDE tap (still bloody cold), get breakfast out of the oven, pour evaporated milk on hair, wrap in towel (geez, that stuff wrecks towels!) and eat breakfast.  I look very sexy.

Then I rinse my hair while I shower, shampoo it, and leave conditioner on for 2 minutes while I brush my teeth, still under the shower.  Yes, it is an electric toothbrush – it seems to be fine…  and my hair is in MUCH better condition.

On Wednesday we go to IKEA to Buy Things for the wedding and party.  Like candles.  It’s a well known fact that when you go to IKEA you have to buy candles….  We have supper there and then HURTLE round the shop… Guy is still in ‘work’ mode so we hurtle.  We buy candles and napkins and candles and serving plates and candles and a paper lampshade that looks like a football only really that's to do with the World Cup sweepstake at work so it’s not connected to the wedding.  And more candles.

On Thursday the trains do their best to stop me but I manage to get my hair cut!  Slightly nervewracking but exciting.  Excellent cut!  Although Christina (my new haircutter) took about half an inch off all the straggly bits, it doesn’t look any shorter.  And it’s a very nice shape.  She ‘blunt cut’ it (like I know what that means) to make it stronger, and will do it feathery next time.  I buy yet more hair products to make it look good.  I could open a shop soon…

I get a great present from Vincent on Saturday – swimming caps!  And all in different colours…. Red, blue, green and yellow.  This will help protect my hair more, and I’ll look fabulous whilst swimming too…

On Sunday, prompted by a piece on the radio, I ask Guy if he thinks we should have a pre-nuptial agreement.  He says no, but I point out that my house is worth more so I have more to lose.  He says he has musical instruments (lots) and that if we split up I would get half of those.  I remember I have a chain saw, so it really could be ‘half’ of each instrument….  Guy sees the glint in my eye and promises never to divorce me… or make me cross…. or unhappy…  Sensible chap.

Weight: Still resolutely stuck at 8 stone 8lbs. This week there will be a concerted effort to eat more protein and more avocados.  Or take the dress in.

Hair:  Its been cut! Appointment booked for 2 weeks before the wedding for the final cut and COLOUR!  Now very two-tone as the roots grow out.  Ugh.

Nails:  My left thumb nail is very short because I sliced through it with the vegetable knife when chopping a courgette…  To all those of you coming to the wedding party, don’t panic – I shall wear rubber gloves when doing the food!  That way you’ll be able to see the chopped fingernail in the salads because it will be covered in a piece of bright pink rubber glove…

Roses:  I’ve now got NINE buds!!  Endless rain again this week so once we get some sunshine they’re really going to grow.  If we ever get any sunshine…

Bruises: No bruises, but I dropped a file at work and the treasury tag sticking out made a fab cut across my existing cat scars.  What a mess.  I’ll have to just lie in a dark room for a week before the wedding – the chances of avoiding bruises/cuts/broken nails is NIL!

Wrinkles: Because of the weight loss my face has deflated and I look wrinkly when I smile.  I am planning to do a lot of smiling on our wedding day.  I have ordered some Eyessential which apparently models use to tighten wrinkles.  I could have used Preparation H which apparently does the same thing, but couldn’t face getting married with haemorrhoid cream on my face….

Tip of the Week:  When putting on a latex swim cap, try to let go at the crucial moment so you can really thwack yourselves in both eyes at the same time.  Excellent for temporary double vision!

Unbridal moment of the week:  Chainsawing fallen trees on Sunday afternoon.  It is surely NOT ladylike to be able to lug a 12 foot length of tree on one’s own?  Sadly I am very able to toss them around like matchsticks….

Grand Plan:  The swim caps are so damned fabulous that I have a Cunning New Plan.  I can wear the yellow one on The Big Day – with my headband thing.  No more hair worries!  AND the added bonus of it being so tight it completely gets rid of all my wrinkles!  How cool is that?!