8.5 weeks to go

It wouldn’t really be a diary without a health crisis, would it?  Remember last week I had a rash from pulling up goose grass?  Well, by Monday it seems it isn’t really a rash… it’s just ITCHING.

I go to work, as you do, but shortly after eating my avocado and chicken for lunch I go rather puffy and red and start scratching violently.  I make my excuses and leave the office in a hurry… Something I ate?  Or the new shampoo stuff?  I have no idea, which is worrying….

The itching continues and I have three suspects – avocados (as it was just after lunch that the itching got worse), chocolate (it’s new to my diet, but it is dairy free, soya free and sugar free) and the new expensive shampoo to stop my hair falling out.  On Tuesday I stay home and scratch and sleep – I do an awful lot of sleeping, which is odd.  Later I do some research on the internet – yes, allergies to avocados, chocolate and shampoo could all cause itching.  Helpful.  Then another thought hits me, and I go to see my GP on Wednesday morning to get it checked out.  She confirms it – it’s an allergy to COPPER.  Good grief.  Suffice to say I used to have a copper coil, and now I haven’t…. Turns out both chocolate and avocados contain copper, so I was just boosting the levels.  Copper allergy causes nasal and throat problems (aha!  So that explains the sore throat for the past two months!) and (you’ll just love this bit)… hair depletion.  Oh yes.  Oops.  And it was just last week I sent that ‘pay up or I sue’ letter to Zoe the ex-hairdresser….  But she did overbleach it and it is brittle and breaking.  However, it does mean that I probably can’t take this to court, as she asked me if I had any health problems.  I had said no. If she finds out I had a copper allergy she’ll have a field day….  Bugger!

On Saturday Guy and I visit Castell Coch to chat about the arrangements for our wedding ceremony.  As we’re not having cars, videos, flowers, photographers and only 15 guests this is remarkably simple…. Smashing chap called Geoff shows us round, explains how things happen and how the Drawing Room will be laid out.  It’s absolutely beautiful – it’s the first time Guy has been and he loves the room, which is just as well.

We’ll be married in front of the fireplace – which is very appropriate as one of the first times we got together Guy said ‘come up and see my dog grate’… And there’s one surprise we’ll have for all our guests which is great fun – and we’re telling nobody!  I’ll be the First Bride Ever To Do It.  Hee Hee!  The Castle say absolutely no confetti outside – not even rose petals, bird seed or bread (Jo had planned to lob loaves at us).  However, the lovely Geoff suggests bubbles instead – fab idea or what?  So we shall invest in some lovely bubble blowers and give these to our guests instead.  We arrange with the café that everyone can have coffee beforehand, and then we have a sample just to make sure it’s ok.  We walk Blunkett in the surrounding woodland and are both so very happy.

I get a letter back from Zoe.  She says that she has forwarded my letter to her insurers and that if I was unhappy with the cut of my fringe I should have said and that she never ever coloured it.  Eh?  Clearly on another planet…. However, she tells some whopping lies in her letter (like her staff will confirm that I only complained about the cut of my fringe when I visited) and it really upsets me.  Horrid woman.  I shall write a corking letter when the insurance company get in touch, but in the meantime I’m really upset by her lies.  Drink helps.

On Sunday I paint flowerpots.  These are going to have a white busy lizzie in each one and go on the tables for the party.  And probably for the Friday lunch too...  Eventually they’ll look lovely.  Look like painted flowerpots at the moment…

Weight: I’ve no idea, but I’ve definitely lost ‘bloat’ since the copper situation was resolved.  Seriously weird.  I felt odd for a couple of days, but am now feeling heaps better.  Hooray!  However, I do seem to be thinner…

Hair:  Better condition and I think it’s growing at last.  Must take some photos on a non-digital camera as evidence of the awfulness.  I have an appointment at Toni & Guy on Thursday next for a ‘wispy ends cut’.  Can’t wait – it might actually look like a hairstyle again.  Apart from the horrid colour, of course.

Nails:  I’ve just had to file them all down – they were soooooooo long!  Made brilliant scratchers for itchy bits though.  Fab!

Roses:  I’ve got THREE ROSEBUDS!!  Endless rain this week and very little sunshine, but they all look very happy.  I also bought another silver euonymus (?) for my bouquet in case the slugs get the one in the garden…

Unbridal moment of the week:  Scratching like a baboon for several days.  Not a good look.

Plan for the week: Haircut on Thursday.  Trying not to stress re lying ex-hairdresser.

9.5 weeks to go

I have a birthday!  Actually, it feels like I have several birthdays because some cards arrived on Saturday, mum thought Sunday was a good day for presents, Guy brings plonk and pressies on Monday, and we go out for dinner on Thursday.  That’s how to do a birthday in style….  Fab pressies, including lovely bog plants, olives, DRINK, an elegant dressing gown and a fab new drill bit, and money to play with which will be FUN!

On Tuesday I talk to a lady called Vitti (must be short for Victoria, surely) about Guy’s band doing a public ceilidh in the Parish Hall at Christmas.  They’ve got a Summer Ball next week (the Hall, not the band) and I find myself promising her the bunting to borrow.  That’ll be my brand new bunting which I haven’t quite finished then…. When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut? So I make bunting – I cut out lots of triangles (ok, flags) and sew them to lengths of tape.  I work out how many triangles I need for 50m of bunting and cut them out.  My maths is obviously rusty and I run out of tape WAY before I run out of triangles.  Solution?  Buy more tape…   so on Wednesday night I’m STILL sewing bunting.  Getting strangely addicted to it now – but then I run out of triangles before the tape ends.  Solution? Cut more triangles. This Could Go On…

Eventually (and luckily) the tape and the triangles run out at the same time (hooray) and I count up how much there is.  103m.  That’s a lot of bunting…. And all for about £25 which is a damned sight better value than the Cath Kidston Wedding Bunting on Ebay which was £30 for 2m.  Hah!  Maybe I can flog it afterwards….  All 103m of it…

On Thursday Guy and I go out for my Birthday Meal.  We arrive at the restaurant (which has been booked for 8.15 because they said they were too busy to accommodate us at 8.00) and find it is more than half empty.  And it has a Very Odd Smell about it…. Not sure what, but most unpleasant.  We stand, ungreeted, in the doorway for a while, then look at each other, agree we don’t like it, and run like hell…  Never to return.  We go to our local pub instead and have a perfectly lovely meal.  I eat lamb shoulder and it’s HUGE.  I try really hard, but can’t quite finish it.  And no, no starters or pudding – I just can’t ‘do’ desserts.

I also finalise my letter to Zoe, the now ex-hairdresser.  One of the lawyers at work sympathises with my plight and looks up the compensation level for brittle hair caused by overbleaching.  If I was to sue her, the relevant bracket would be £4,000 - £6,000!  BLOODY HELL!  My letter promptly gets revised, and I decide to charge her for the out of pocket expenses (cuts, expensive shampoo, conditioning treatments) for the next 4 months, plus £1,000 to go away now – a total of just under £1500.  The letter is sent recorded delivery and asks for a response within 7 days.  If she doesn’t play ball, I’ll get more legal…

Friday is unremarkable except that I’m tired.  I realise I am tired when I go to the loos in Tesco after work and try to dry my hands under the condom machine…

Guy has made a start on my cartoon – we have a life-sized cut-out in MDF of Guy which I made as a surprise for him on his 50th birthday so I have, entirely reasonably, demanded a similar cartoon of me, so that we can have a Guy and a Sarah on the gate as our guests arrive at the party…

And I want to be wearing my yellow wellies…. He produces the rough sketch, which is FAB!

Here’s Guy (the finished cartoon)

And here’s Sarah (the nearly finished draft)  I don't have hair because I don't know if I will have hair...

Saturday is exciting because Guy and I go to see his tailor (ooh, that sounds Sooooooooo Posh!) and he has a fitting for his jacket, which is GORGEOUS – it has a Nehru collar and is a lovely sand/gold colour.  He also orders trousers and we chat about a waistcoat, but the tailor has no suitable silk in the right sort of colour, so we hoof down to City Road to the sari shop and hunt for silk.  We find something in exactly the right colour – sort of gold with a vague paisley pattern.  Lovely – and it’s going to go with The Frock beautifully, which of course Guy doesn’t know.  Fab shop too – loads of lovely shoes!  In the evening Jo and I go to the wedding of Kate, who used to work in the office – and it’s a chance for me to try out my new magic knickers.  The old ones were sort of ok, but gave me two waists.  The new ones don’t give me two waists… Hurrah!  However, they do give me three bottoms.  It’s fine if I arrange them and then don’t move.  At all.  Tricky.   I don’t have time to change out of the incredibly fitted blue dress I’d planned to wear, so make a mental note to (a) not move or, (b) failing that, keep my back to the wall.  At the reception this proves impossible so I knot my pashmina round my backside instead.  Probably looks ridiculous, but I can’t see so decide I don’t mind.  And the three large glasses of wine help me to not mind…. Jo drives and on the way home becomes very attracted to Tim, the voice on mum’s satellite navigation system which we borrowed for the evening.  Every time he says ‘at the next roundabout, turn right, third exit’ she goes all wobbly… She drops me off at home and I leave her with Tim for the rest of the weekend – least I can do.  I hope they’ll be very happy together…

Weight: Hmm.  I lost a pound, then regained half of it… and I have been trying, really I have…  There’s a limit to how many avocados a girl can eat though, and I think I am Full Of Avocados.  Will try harder this week.

Bruises: Hardly any, and the scratches from last week’s hedge trimming faded nicely, just in time to be replaced by scratches from cutting up Guy’s spiky tree which he pruned after it poked him once too often.  Those scratches have faded nicely now too, but I have a spectacular rash up my arms from all the goose grass I pulled up on Sunday afternoon…

Hair:  Looking better!  The incredibly expensive trichology hair products arrived – they smell like leg embrocation, so they must be good.  My hair is a bit shinier and slightly more manageable.  But still short and broken.  I check the Royal Mail web site and find that the letter was delivered on Friday – fingers crossed!

Nails:  I glued and filed down the bust one – and it’s absolutely fine.  OK, so the nail varnish is a bit lumpy but if I keep waving my hands around no-one will notice.  However, I really should wear gloves when gardening…. Hands now as rough as sandpaper.

Cake:  Didn’t have to do anything to it this week, but I do have 103m of bunting instead.  Almost as good as cake.  Except that you can’t eat it, obviously.

Roses:  Still alive, and now being FED too.  Nice note on rose boxes when they arrived – ‘Roses are like people, they like food and drink.’  Gin, anyone?

Plan for the week: Make ‘proper’ (well, as proper as we’re going to get) wedding invites for the ceremony on the Friday.  I’ve mocked something up involving a bit of Guy’s waistcoat fabric on a bunting theme…. Themed like a good idea at the time.

10.5 weeks to go

When I tried everything on I was a little concerned about the Head Thing.  It’s not a tiara, ‘cos I don’t figure I’m a tiara kinda gal, but it’s a Headband With Things On.  I made it myself and, despite that, I’m quite happy with it, although it does have overtones of Alice’s wedding in The Vicar of Dibley…  It’s fine.  Or at least it was fine when I had hair….

My hairdresser has so overbleached my hair (all I asked for was light brown with a few blonde bits) that it is all breaking off about half an inch away from my head.  My roots are now growing through their natural ‘dark mouse’ colour and the rest of it is strangely wispy and a really peculiar yellow.  I haven’t had a fringe since January….

I go to see my hairdresser.  She is totally unconcerned and completely unsympathetic.  She sits me in the front of the salon to discuss The Hair and then tries to move me to the little back room when she discovers it’s A Complaint.  I decide not to move from where she first told me to sit and she tells me I Am Being Unreasonable.  She inspires no confidence that she can help, and shows no inclination to do so – in fact she just wants to recolour it (which will probably make the rest of it fall out) so I mention compensation.  At which point she slams her book of colours shut, yells ‘Fine.  Get it sorted and send me the bill’ and flounces off.  This is what passes for customer care in Caerphilly, apparently…  Still, the good news is that by this time she is very red in the face and clearly annoyed, and I am supremely calm.  One up to me, I think…  although I do burst into tears when I get back to the safety of my little car…

I phone one of the top salons in Cardiff and seek advice.  I arrange a consultation for the next day but in the meantime they tell me to use a strengthening shampoo, hot oil treatments and milk.  I try the milk thing when I get home.  The milk in the fridge is old and has turned to yoghurt which is a bit thicker, but this is still Very Messy.

When I go for my appointment there are a succession of people saying ‘ooh, that’s really bad’ but in a helpful, considerate kind of way.  I speak to a colourist and a stylist and we plan a course of action.  We’re not going to touch the colour until two weeks before the wedding, and I can have a ‘snip the wispy ends off’ cut in 3 weeks.  However, it does mean that my two new hairdressers will have one shot at getting the colour and cut right near to the Big Day.  Gulp.

I get advice on serious hair repairing products and order the whole lot over the internet when I get home.  £56!  Still if it works….  And besides, ex-hairdresser is going to pay. My hair is softer and feels more like hair, which is good.  There is still very little of it, but it does feel like it might grow again soon.  I have decided that after I’ve swum in the morning if I then put milk on it (Apparently it’s meant to be evaporated milk which smells even worse) then I’ll just be pushing chlorine down into the hair shaft, so I have taken to rinsing my hair under the outside tap before adding the milk and eating breakfast.  Outside tap water is Bloody Cold.  Still, I convince myself it is ‘stimulating my scalp’ which is a Good Thing.

On Friday evening after work I pop across town to see Jenny and give her her birthday present (necklace) which seems to hit the spot, and Karen gives me a stunning Laura Ashley bracelet which is just gorgeous.  We sit in the garden and talk about flowers like our mothers used to… we decide we are Middle Aged.  In the evening Guy cooks me a lovely meal and spends most of it gazing indulgently into my eyes.  I decide he must really love me, and bask in the warm glow of his affection until I later discover I have a large piece of pepper wedged between my two front teeth and he was probably just trying not to laugh…

On Saturday I pressure-clean various bits of paving and walls.  Very satisfying, but quite the filthiest job in the world…  Still, I have the comfort of knowing that I look chic and elegant whilst doing it.  I think the pink rubber gloves add a certain something…  Sadly you can’t see the string holding up my trousers…  Very Compo, trust me.

On Sunday we (a) cut the leylandii hedges and get covered in those horrible scratches which only leylandii can inflict (b) entertain two rather unpleasant fat lesbians with an unruly dog who are thinking of putting in an Endless Pool (c) get necessarily fairly tiddly on fizzy Pinot Grigio (see (b) above), (d) have an almost-birthday with mum who has decided today should be my birthday and (e) have a hilarious visit from Anna with a nice chap called Pete (mental note to self – find out who Pete is) who brings with her utterly brilliant bridesmaid outfit for Blunkett as well as stonkingly large vase to put flowers in for wedding.

We try the utterly brilliant bridesmaid outfit on Blunkett and it looks utterly brilliant, but as I didn’t have a camera handy I have had to (later) photo it fitted to my knee.  Not quite the same, admittedly (Blunkett is blacker and prettier) but you get the idea…

Weight: 8 stone 8 lbs!  I have put on 2 lbs!  Hooray!  Am now worried that it will all accumulate around my arse and I will still be scrawny at the top but fatter on the backside.  Like a weeble.

Bruises: None at all from the pressure hosing, but spectacular rashes from the hedge trimming.  Long sleeves for a few days, then…

Hair:  Smells weirdly of evaporated milk…..  Softer though, so it looks like I have less hair.  And I’m trying not to blow dry it so there’s no style.  Still yeugh, really.

Nails:  Mostly Gorgeous, but ripped best nail (index finger, left hand) picking up wretched bits of Leylandii… still considering whether to ignore it, mend it or hack it off...

Cake:  We have a top piece!!  And the two week old madeira cake got tested by our offices and was a resounding success, so we now know we can make it two weeks in advance.  Excellent news…

Roses:  Still alive!  Looking perfectly happy, although not actually growing so as you’d notice…

Unbridal moment of the week:  Pressure hosing.  The filthiest job in the world AND I had to have that string holding up my waterproof trousers.  Just lovely…

Plan for the week: Write firm letter to hairdresser telling her how much she’s in for – plus adding a bit for stress and worry.  One of the solicitors at work says ‘distraught’ is an excellent word to use…

Post-script:  The two fat lesbians were very keen that their dog would be able to swim in the pool too.  ‘But we shan’t be putting her in yours today….’ they said reassuringly.  ‘Thank God for that’ I thought to myself before I heard them continuing… ‘because we wouldn’t want to travel home with a wet dog…’  I get commission if they order a pool.  I will have earned it this time…

11.5 weeks to go

Well, it’s all plain sailing really.  I’ve got The Frock, my Head Thing is sorted, I have the most beautiful shoes, we’re organised on the flowers and catering, and Guy knows what he’s going to wear. Honestly, I don’t know why people get stressed about weddings, it seems to be so easy.

On Wednesday I go to the flower wholesaler to buy the cream roses I think I want to carry as a bouquet. I’ve ordered some ‘old’ roses as well, but they turn out to be an odd shade of white (general consensus in the office is ‘apple white’) rather than cream, so they’re a non-starter. The cream roses are lovely although they have absolutely no scent at all. Zilch. Such a pity. In a fit of ‘I can sort it’ and in my lunch hour I hit the internet and order THREE cream smelly rose bushes to be delivered before the Bank Holiday weekend. (It was two but then Jo pointed out another good one). I’m sure they’ll be lovely, although if I try to grow my own I’m into the stresses of blackspot, mildew and greenfly…  No, really, I’m sure It’ll Be Fine.  I can always buy unscented roses from the wholesaler…  The roses are ‘Commonwealth Gold’, ‘Desert Island’ and ‘Glamis Castle’ if anyone is minded to try and find them on the internet…

Anyway, back to The Frock. The point of getting the flowers is to try The Bouquet out with The Frock. I put about a dozen roses together with some eucalyptus, tie them with ribbon and troll upstairs to put on The Frock, together with shoes, Head Thing, jewellery, etc. Fine, absolutely fine, except for The Frock which now absolutely doesn’t fit me anywhere – it’s hanging off me.

Who was it who said ‘you can never be too rich or too thin’? I don’t know about the too rich bit, but there is definitely too thin, as in SCRAWNY.   When I bought it it was pleasantly snug – fitted like a glove, in fact. (See pic) I’d made some adjustments to the, er, bodice area in February to account for the fact that, although I have practically no front it manages, if unfettered, to point in completely opposite directions.  So scaffolding was required. I bought one of those ‘stick on’ bra things, but turned out to be allergic to the glue…. Solution: Sew bra thing into Frock. Sorted.

Or at least it was when there was more of me to fill The Frock. Now I find if I put my arms out straight sideways and swivel, I move and The Frock stays resolutely still. OK, so the call for a bride standing with arms out sideways swivelling is not great, but it’s what sometimes passes for dancing in these parts…. I weigh myself and discover I have LOST 12LBS!  How did I not notice? I am now thoroughly depressed about the scrawniness of neck, front and back (most of me, really) but manage to haul my attention back to The Bouquet. Doesn’t work – it’s too big.  I take out a rose.  Still too big. I take out another rose. Still too big …  Eventually I am left with three cream roses, no leaves and no eucalyptus. It looks ok, but a bit like I forgot to order enough flowers. Have to have a rethink….

I buy a proper former to make a trailing bouquet. Well, actually, it’s not a proper former at all because they only come in packs of 6 and as I’m only intending to get married once that seems a bit of a waste….

So what I’ve got is a plastic dish to hold oasis (the flower stuff, not the band – I don’t think a couple of Gallaghers would improve The Frock at all) with a funny spike out the back. It’s not great, and it won’t be the final version, but it did only cost 74p…. I play around with greenery and roses and eucalyptus, and it looks much better. Phew. Now all I have to do is grow the roses… They’ve arrived and get planted. Lovely plants. Hope I don’t kill them…

Guy and I spend Sunday messing with icing for the Top Bit of the cake.  Ooh, we’re SO pleased with it…. It’s a Smart car with a bride and groom in.

The groom is in top hat and tails, which Guy won’t be – but as I won’t tell him what I’m wearing we’ve just gone for ‘bride and groom’, except the bride ends up looking oddly like I will on the day…

Weight: 8 stone 6 lbs.  Needs to be 9 stone 4.  Am eating avocados, protein and GIN to increase calorie intake.  Also swimming harder to make sure it comes back as muscle not flab.

Bruises: 9 at current count.  Thankfully all on legs, which doesn’t matter so much – trying to keep my arms unbruised will be a challenge.  Especially as we are putting up the marquees two days before the wedding…

Nails:  Stronger, oddly.  I’m buffing them daily.

Cake:  2 fruit cakes made, top piece sorted.

Unbridal moment of the week:  grotty tracksuit, workboots, no make-up and lugging a bag of compost down the steps to plant the new rose bushes.  I feel about as far from ‘elegant’ as it’s possible to be…

Plan for the week: Put some weight on…